Weary...
by Suzilee
Summary: Updated with Chapter Three - A Susan/Carter/Abby/Luka story. Each chapter will be told from the point of view of a different character.
1. Chapter One: Susan

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the ER characters.

Rating: PG

Note: This fanfic involves Susan / Carter / Abby / Luka. This is the first chapter. Each chapter will be from a different character's point of view. Please read and review - be kind - this is my first REAL fanfic. Thanks - Suzilee

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tired. Susan Lewis was tired. Exhausted really - she was just getting off after working a double shift. Mark had called in sick, leaving Weaver short-handed. With Chen, Malucci, and Finch gone for good, and various people on vacation, the ER was dangerously understaffed. Kerry had asked her to work a double-shift, as "a favor." As if Susan owed Kerry a thing. But it was nice to have Kerry in her debt, for once. 

She walked into the lounge, stopping at her locker to drop off her coat. She started to open it, then realized that this was her OLD locker, from before. It was weird really to have a different locker. It was such a small thing, but one of the many that contributed to her feeling of disorientation. So many things were different now. New systems, new administrators, new policies, new nurses, new doctors… She felt so - off her stride. 

When Mark had lured her back to County, she had felt an overwhelming sense of relief. She'd left Phoenix because really, she didn't feel that she belonged there. Susie had a family now, and although she loved playing auntie, it was time for Susan to find something of her own. A place where she could build her _own_ life, and eventually, maybe her own family. Coming back to County, she expected that at least in terms of work, she could get back to the familiar - back to a place where she knew exactly where she fit. Except that she still didn't know where she fit in. Mark, previously her best friend, was married with a new baby, and their old friendship didn't seem appropriate somehow. Carol and Doug were gone… Jeannie was gone, and now Peter. The only really friendly welcoming faces were those of the nurses, and Kerry. Although you couldn't really say that Kerry was welcoming. And then there was Carter.

Susan sighed as she looked into the little mirror that was hanging in her locker. She grabbed some lipstick from her purse, and applied a little, trying to take the edge off of the weariness in her appearance. The thing with Carter was - well, she wasn't sure what it was yet. It had started as a renewal of their friendship. It had been so comforting to spend time with someone familiar. Carter was so fun and easy to be with, and so sweet. Knowing about his past crush made it almost natural to start flirting with him. It had rapidly developed from there. 

'So, if everything is so great, why aren't I happy?' Susan thought. She thought she knew part of the reason. Their relationship was _too_ fun. Everything about their relationship was about smiling, joking around, and having a good time. That was great, and she enjoyed it, but there was no depth to their conversations yet. John didn't seem willing to confide in her. He would briefly tell her about things as they happened - about his parents, about his problems - but he wouldn't tell her how it affected him or how he felt about it. It was extremely frustrating. His eyes often looked troubled and she knew that he was hurting. But he refused to talk about it. When she would ask him about it, he always brushed it off with a smile, inevitably cracking some small joke to change the subject. 'Where is this headed, if we can't talk?' she thought.

Her thoughts were interrupted as Dr. Kovac came in with a huge pile of charts. One of the files fell off the top of the pile, and it's contents spilled out on the floor. "Need a hand?" she asked, picking up the errant papers. 

"Thanks Dr. Lewis," he said as he put the pile down on the lunch table. 

"Call me Susan," she said. Susan hadn't really gotten a chance to speak with Dr. Kovac much beyond - hello/ goodbye/how are you chatter. 

"OK, but only if you'll call me Luka," he said good naturedly. 

"Luka? Is that a Russian name?" Susan small-talked.

"It's Croatian." Luka looked at the pile of charts, a small frown washing over his face. "These charts - I think they are multiplying by themselves."

Susan chuckled. "Well, I'd love to help you solve the mystery, but I'm off. Have fun." Susan grabbed her coat and hurried out of the lounge, leaving Luka sitting there scowling at the charts.

As she walked towards the ambulance bay doors, she glanced around the ER. Abby Lockhart was at the admit desk, deep in conversation with Weaver. Susan grimaced in spite of herself. "How appropriate," she said under her breath, "an unfriendly person talking to an unfriendlier person." At first, Susan had tried to befriend the efficient nurse. In some ways, Abby reminded her a little of Carol. 'An immature, more depressed version,' she thought. But friendship didn't seem to be in the cards for them - Abby was all prickles towards her. Each time Susan tried to talk to Abby, she had been rebuffed. It was getting old. Lately, every time Susan said anything, even during a trauma, Abby rolled her eyes. She longed to ask the nurse just what the hell there was to roll your eyes about every time that she asked for a freaking clamp or something. 

Actually, Susan thought she had a pretty good idea of what the problem between her and Abby might be, and he was walking right towards her. 

"Hi there," she said, smiling.

"Hi yourself," he walked over to her, and leaned in for a quick kiss. "You just getting off?"

"Yeah, I pulled a double-shift." Susan tugged at the scarf she had gotten him for Christmas. "Niiiiiiiiiice. Someone has good taste, I see."

Carter smiled down at her, gave her a little kiss on the tip of her nose, then looked off towards the ER. "I'd better get in - I'm late. Want me to call you later?"

"You'd better." 

He smiled again, and headed off towards the ER.

Susan watched him walk into the building. She wasn't sure exactly what had gone on between Abby and Carter. She had gathered from the nurses gossip that Carter had a thing for Abby, and that Abby and Luka had broken up because of Carter. But then nothing between Carter and Abby appeared to have happened. When she had asked Carter about it before, he blew it off by saying that they were just friends. Carter never talked about it, and she definitely wasn't going to ask him about it again. 

'One thing is for certain,' Susan thought. 'If John and I don't make this thing work, I'm not going to let it be because of Abby Lockhart.' A determined look spread over her face, and she hurried into the cold to catch the el.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued?


	2. Chapter Two: Abby

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the ER characters.

Rating: PG

Note: This story involves Susan / Carter / Abby / Luka. This is the second chapter. Each chapter will be from a different character's point of view. Please read and review. Thanks - Suzilee

****

Weary

Chapter Two: Abby

Randi strolled over to the admit desk where Dr. Weaver and Abby Lockhart were discussing something, rather heatedly from the looks of it. 

"Hey Dr. Weaver, there's someone waiting to see you in chairs," Randy interrupted.

"I'm a little busy," Kerry snapped. "Who is it?" 

"I don't know, I'm not a receptionist," Randi drawled. 

"Read your job description Randi - that's exactly what you are. Do you have _any_ idea who it is?" Kerry's voice dripped with irritation.

"Dr. Weaver," Abby said, trying to regain her attention. 

Randi popped her gum insolently. "Some fireman, er, firewoman. She wouldn't say what she wanted. I told her to have a seat." 

Kerry's demeanor changed, a slight smile crossing her face. She turned and wrote something on the board, and then started to walk away from the admit desk. 

"We'll have to talk about this later Abby," she said over her shoulder.

"Dr. Weaver, this is really important to me." Abby's voice took on a pleading tone. "I really feel that my skills are wasted here. I'm an OB nurse, not an ER nurse." 

Kerry turned to look at her. "Abby, you've become very proficient in the ER. I see no reason to make a change."

"I _want_ to make a change. I want to get back into OB."

"I'm sorry Abby, OB isn't hiring right now. You know that. When you decided not to pursue medical school, you were lucky that we even had an opening in the ER."

"It wasn't that I decided not to pursue it - my ex-husband didn't pay my tuition, that's all."

Kerry looked at her with renewed interest. "Are you re-enrolling?"

Abby looked away from her stare. "Well, no. But…"

"We'll talk about it later," said Kerry, walking away.

"Dr. Weaver!" 

"I said _later_ Abby." With that, Kerry disappeared into the waiting room.

'Shit,' thought Abby. 'Nursing shortages all over the freaking country, and I have to work at the one hospital with NO OPENINGS.' Actually, she was quite sure that there were openings in the OB, but she had to have permission from someone with supervisory authority in order to transfer. And it didn't seem like Weaver was willing to let her go. Damn Weaver. Abby wasn't really surprised though. It was difficult to find nurses who were willing to work in the ER, and they were short-staffed right now, so getting Weaver's permission had been a long-shot, at best. 

'Now what am I going to do?' she thought. It wasn't so much that she wanted to work in OB - it was more that she wanted out of the ER. There was too much baggage here in the ER. Every day, having to deal with Luka, with his girlfriend of the week, with Carter, and even with Dr. Lewis (who was becoming a royal pain-in-the-ass), was just too much for her. 'Never, never again will I get involved with anyone at work,' she thought. 'No more fraternizing with the co-workers.' 

She knew that she ought to just mind her own business, and ignore everything that was happening around her, but she hadn't been able to do it. She had a morbid desire to know what was happening in the lives of her co-workers. Well, in the lives of _some_ of her co-workers. 

She needed to be away from it. She was messed up enough, emotionally, without being constantly confronted with the players in her screwed up social life every day, all day long. She came home from work each day exhausted - physically AND emotionally. She just wanted to escape. 

'I can't afford to leave County,' she thought. Her years in OB had helped her pay to creep to the top of the scale. If she switched hospitals, she would have to basically start over. 'Then I can add bankruptcy to my list of achievements for this year,' she thought darkly. 

She looked up to see Carter walking in the door. He had a little smile on his face. A stupid, goofy smile. It made her want to pick something up and throw it at him. Instead, she picked up a chart, and pretended to be engrossed in it. The last thing she wanted to do was talk to him. Maybe he wouldn't see her. 

Unfortunately, Carter walked right up to the admit desk. "Morning Abby," he said cheerily, smoothing down his rumpled hair. "Is it busy?"

"No," Abby said shortly, not meeting his friendly gaze. She dropped the chart, and grabbed her styrofoam coffee cup. "I've gotta get some coffee," she said as she turned towards the lounge. 

She didn't want to have another civil, psuedo-friendly conversation with him. They had been so close, and the shallow nature of their current relationship was hard to take. She missed talking to him, and hanging out with him, and it hurt her deeply to see that he apparently didn't miss her at all. Things had just gotten so screwed up. 

She often found herself wishing that Dr. Lewis hadn't come to County at all. When she had shown up, he had just dropped her, completely. It was as if their months of friendship had meant nothing to him at all. It really pissed her off. 'Bastard,' she thought.

She swung the lounge door open a little too hard, and watched as Luka jumped when it slammed against the back wall. "Oops," she said. 

"Having a bad day?" Luka said, straight-faced.

"Just great. Faaaantastic, thanks for asking," Abby muttered sarcastically. 'Great," she thought, 'Out of the frying pan, into the fire.' 

"Well, I hope it gets better," Luka said gently. "Would you like a doughnut? I think they're fairly new - at least, I didn't see them in here yesterday." 

Abby watched him for a minute as he poked the doughnuts, trying to find one that wasn't stale. "No, thanks, I'll pass." She went over to the coffee pot, and poured herself a fresh cup. 

Behind her, she heard the door swing open.

"Hey Luka," Carter said.

"Carter," Luka nodded at him.

"How are you?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Oh, great. Man, it's so cold outside."

Abby listened as Carter and Luka talked politely to each other. It seemed bizarre to her. A few weeks ago, they hadn't even been capable of civility, and now, here they were - at pains to be polite and friendly to each other. Meanwhile, neither one of them felt comfortable talking to HER. At the sink, facing away from the two men, the weirdness factor of the situation struck her, and she couldn't hold back a frustrated chuckle. 'I'm so glad that I was able to bring them together,' she thought to herself. The absurdity of the events of the past few weeks flashed through her mind, and her chuckles escalated into harsh, helpless laughter that brought tears to her eyes.

Carter looked at Luka, questioningly. Luka shrugged.

"Uh, Abby," Luka said carefully, "Is everything o.k.?"

"I - I, " Abby couldn't finish, she just kept laughing, doubled over the sink. "I… I…" She stopped to compose herself, and turned around to see the two doctors staring at her as if she was insane. "I've got to go take care of a patient," she said, and then burst into fresh peals of laughter. She spun on one heel and quickly left the lounge, giggling as she went.

"Well, she seems to be in a good mood," Carter said with a frown. "Or else she's losing it." He peered out the window in the lounge door, watching her walk down the corridor." 

"I'm voting for losing it," Luka said thoughtfully. He looked over at the sink, noticing her abandoned coffee cup. "Want a doughnut?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	3. Chapter Three: Carter

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the ER characters.

Rating: PG

Note: This story involves Susan / Carter / Abby / Luka. This is the third chapter. Each chapter will be from a different character's point of view. Please read and review. Thanks - Suzilee

****

Weary

Chapter Three: Carter

"Well Mrs. McCreary, sounds like it was a nasty fall," Carter said, gently probing his patient's shoulders. "It's hard to believe, but there are no obvious fractures. Let me know if this hurts," he said, as he carefully continued press her bones, making his way down her back. When he reached her tailbone, she jumped and expelled her breath.

"Ow," she said, face scrunched up in pain. "Right there."

"O.K. We're going to need x-rays, so that we can see if there are any fractures." Carter picked up her chart and made a few notes.

Mrs. McCreary watched him for a moment, and then asked, "Is it going to take long? I need to pick-up my daughter at day-care."

"Actually, you might want to call someone to do that for you - I know that the lab is a bit behind today. Sorry about that." He turned to Haleh. "She's going to need a full set. It's a long shot, but see if they can bump her in line?"

Haleh nodded, and took the chart from him. "OK, let's get you over to x-ray, and we'll see what we can do," she said, as she helped the patient into a wheelchair.

Carter left them, and wandered over to the board. After updating his patient's info, he surveyed it for a minute. There wasn't much there. It had been a very slow morning. No traumas, just a lot of small injuries and negligible illness, and a lot of busy work. He was pretty bored. Abby hadn't been kidding when she'd said that it was slow. 

He looked over at her, standing nearby, quietly reviewing a chart. She'd been looking at it for quite some time. "Got anything interesting?" he said.

She kept her eyes on the chart. "Uh, no. Just having a hard time reading the handwriting." She looked almost guilty. 

"Can I help?" He looked over her shoulder. It looked perfectly legible to him.

She snatched it out of view. "No - thanks though." 

He leaned against the counter. She'd been avoiding him for weeks. Things had been awkward ever since their conversation by the river, but since he'd started seeing Susan, they'd grown progressively worse. Now she wouldn't even look at him. It bothered him. 

"Listen, Abby…" She looked up, her brown eyes inscrutable. He stopped for a moment, surprised by the eye contact. 

He watched her for a minute, trying to gage her mood.

"What?!" she said impatiently. 

"Could we talk later? Maybe have lunch or-"

"Actually," she said slowly, "today isn't good for me."

"Well, maybe tomorrow?" He looked down at her, willing her to say yes. They really needed to clear the air.

"Tomorrow looks bad too. Besides, you and Dr. Lewis are both scheduled, so I'm sure that you'll be busy for lunch," she looked away from him, eyes flashing.

Dr. Kovac called to her from Curtain 3. "Hey Abby, could you help me in here?" 

"Be right there." She looked almost relieved as she put the chart back in its place, and swiftly went to help Luka.

'Damn,' he thought. 'I don't know why I even bother. She can't even be civil now.' He couldn't believe how quickly their relationship had deteriorated. It _almost_ made him think that she was jealous, except that for the past couple of weeks, every time he turned around, he'd seen Luka and Abby with their heads together - talking in the hallway, working on patients together... It was almost as if Abby was Luka's nurse alone. And maybe she was. 

'I wish that we could still be friends,' he thought. He missed her. He missed the way she understood him, their easy banter, he even missed her cynical sarcasm. But she didn't seem to be interested in being his friend any longer. He'd tried to start conversations on numerous occasions, but she always bit his head off or refused to talk to him, beyond what was absolutely necessary.

He wanted to talk to her about it, but couldn't figure out how to approach her. 'What would I say,' he thought. 'Gee Abby, I'm sorry that I told the truth when we talked, and I'm sorry that I was right about it, and I'm sorry that I'm moving on with my life now?' He slowly shook his head in irritation. 

Haleh's voice startled him out of his thoughts. "Carter, x-ray said that there would be at least a 2 hour wait. I tried my best."

"Thanks Haleh," Carter said. 

"Hey Carter," Randi called. "Message for you - Dr. Lewis called."

"Why didn't you come and get me?" he asked.

"Didn't know where you were," she said shortly, heading back to her window. 

He rolled his eyes in her direction.

"So, things going o.k. with Dr. Lewis?" Haleh asked.

Carter pursed his lips. "Fine, Haleh. We're just friends." He strode away, looking for a place to make a private call.

"Uh-huh," she said with a knowing smile on her face.

Carter swore under his breath. He didn't know why he had said that to her. Obviously, they weren't just friends. Everyone in the ER already knew it. He just wasn't sure if he was ready to be that open about it - to be an acknowledged couple for everyone to talk about and gossip over. 

He found a phone, and dialed her number. 

"Hello?" Susan answered the phone after several rings

"Hey, it's John." He still felt weird when he called - like he needed a specific reason to call. They weren't at the stage yet where he felt like he could just pick up the phone for no reason at all. "Heard you called me…"

"Hi Carter." She sounded a little sleepy.

"What are you doing up? It hasn't even been 6 hours since you went home."

"Couldn't sleep. Listen, I'm bored to death here. Do you want to grab lunch at Doc Magoos?" 

He smiled, relieved that he hadn't been able to make plans with Abby. "Sure. What time?" 

"In about an hour?"

"Sounds good." He paused, unsure of what to say next. "Well, o.k. then, I'll see you there."

"O.k. See ya." She hung up the phone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four patients later, Carter checked his watch. 'I'm gonna be late,' he thought. Susan would understand though - she obviously knew what life as an ER doctor was like. That was one of the things he appreciated about Susan - they had so much in common.

He headed for the exit, stopping as Abby approached him. 

"Carter?" 

"Yeah…" He looked at her sourly. After the way she'd behaved earlier, he wasn't going to take any more of her crap today.

She wrung her hands and looked up at him almost nervously. "Listen, can I take you up on that lunch offer after all?"

Surprise registered on his face. 'What the hell?' he thought. 'Now, she wants to talk?' He wondered if he would ever figure her out. 

"I'm sorry about earlier, I'm just…" Her voice trailed off for a minute. She stared at an invisible spot on the ground, poking at it with her shoe. "I guess I'm just not sure how to act with you anymore. But I'm sorry for treating you like - like…" she stopped, searching for the right words.

"Like the enemy?" he gently teased. He smiled at her, his eyes full of mischief. 

She half-smirked, and raised an eyebrow. "Well, yeah." She looked at the clock on the wall. "So do you want to head over now? I can go on my break." 

'Oh shit,' he thought, suddenly remembering Susan. "Oh no - uh, actually Abby… I just remembered - I made other plans when you said that you couldn't have lunch. Could we do it another time?" He smiled weakly, knowing exactly how well this would go over with her.

To his relief, she didn't look angry, just disappointed, and she said, "Sure. Another time." She started to walk away, head down.

"Abby?" he said cautiously.

She stopped quickly and looked up at him. "Yeah?"

He looked into her eyes, trying to think of something significant to say. "I'm glad that - that you want to talk." 'Damn, that sounded lame,' he thought. But he wanted to say _something_. He was so relieved at this new thawing out of their relationship, and he wanted to keep talking to her for a minute.

"Me too." A little smile crept over her face, and they both stood there for a moment looking at each other. 

"We could definitely do it tomorrow," Carter said. "We're both on, and --"

A familiar voice interrupted him. "There you are. I've been waiting over at Doc Magoos for half an hour. Thought I'd wander over to see if you're about ready."

Carter watched as the expression on Abby's face hardened. His heart sunk a little.

He turned to greet Susan. "Just had a few things to take care of. Sorry for making you wait." She looked at him expectantly, waiting for a kiss hello, but Carter avoided her gaze. 

Susan looked a little dismayed, but tucked herself under his arm, and put a smile on her face anyway. "Hi Abby. How are you?"

Abby's face was expressionless. "I'm fine, thanks." She paused. "Well, I won't keep you." She looked at Carter with a frown. "Have a good lunch." 

"Abby, about what we were talking about…" Carter started.

"Forget it Carter," she snapped at him. "It's not that important anyway." With that, she headed back towards the ER.

He stared after her soberly as she walked away. He glanced over at Susan only to see that she was watching him look at Abby.

"What was _that_ about?" she asked.

"Nothing."

"Is that woman _ever_ in a good mood?" 

Carter didn't answer. He looked at her, trying to shake off his disappointment. He smiled at Susan. "Ready to go?"

"Let's roll."

They walked out the door, with his arm around her shoulders.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carter picked at his sandwich. 

"We need to hire more doctors, but we have to get approval from upstairs first, and I'm not sure when that is going to happen," Susan said.

"I'm sure it will work out." Carter said dismissively. 

Susan looked at him with irritation. "Gee Carter, am I boring you?"

He looked back at her. "Sorry," he said sincerely. He gave her a half smile. "So why do you think the administration is dragging their feet?"

She studied his face for a minute, not answering. "Carter, what's bothering you?" she finally asked.

He hesitated, not knowing what, if anything, he should tell her.

"Carter, seriously. Talk to me. You can tell me anything, I swear."

"Well…" he stopped, unsure of himself.

"Carter," she said again, softly.

"It's really no big deal. It's just this thing with Abby. I feel weird talking to you about it," he said, suddenly becoming very interested in his coffee.

She sighed. "Why do you feel weird about it?"

"I don't know," he said. "The two of you don't really get along. And I don't think it's important enough to talk about, not really. I mean, every time that you had an argument with Carol or Mark, did you need to talk to someone about it? Do you know what I mean?"

"I guess so," she said, not looking convinced. "I just wish that you felt like you could talk to me. "

"I do," he said earnestly.

She shook her head. "No, you don't. Not about anything important." She stared at the menu board, biting her lip.

"That isn't true Susan."

She didn't challenge the statement, just looked down at her salad unhappily.

He looked out at the falling snow. He wanted to comfort her - to tell her that it wasn't true, but he wasn't sure if he could really say that. The truth was, he didn't feel comfortable talking to her about things yet. He had always had a little crush on her, and he still held her in a little bit of awe. When they had known each other before, they weren't peers - she was a doctor, and he was a lowly med student. He still felt a little bit like that when he talked to her - like a fumbling school kid. 

And if he was going to have an in-depth discussion with her about anything, it certainly wouldn't be about Abby. He had something good with Susan - or rather, he _could_ have something good with her, if only Abby would quit getting in the way. He couldn't deny the pangs of jealousy that he still felt whenever he saw Abby and Luka together. He knew that for a man involved with someone else, he thought about Abby far too much. 'It's normal for me to have a few left-over feelings for her,' he thought. 'After all, I was infatuated with her for over a year, it's hard to just switch those feelings off. And I have feelings for Susan too,' he told himself. 'And Susan is so much better for me.'

He looked back at Susan, putting a smile on his face. "Anyway, I'm not as deep as you're giving me credit for. A lot of times, I just don't have much to say."

She gave him a frustrated look. "Whatever, Carter."

"Really. I'm very shallow, I promise," he teased her, trying to get her to smile.

She reluctantly did so. "Eventually, I'm going to get to the bottom of the mystery that is Carter you know," she said, only half-kidding.

"I like that - Carter, international man of mystery," he said. 

She gave him a courtesy chuckle. "Very original."

"I know," Carter said. He reached across the table for her hand. "We o.k.?" 

She smiled at the touch, and nodded. "I'm gonna go wash my hands. Wait for me?"

"Till the end of time," he joked.

He stood up when she did, and gave her a quick gentle kiss. 

"Wow - a public display of affection? Carter, I never thought you had it in you…" she smiled, and headed off towards the restroom.

Carter sunk back down in the booth, the smile slowly leaving his face. He watched out the window as Abby walked down the street with Lydia, obviously going to grab lunch somewhere. He watched her until she was out of sight, and then sat back with a sigh, rubbing his forehead. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued….


End file.
